MERRY XMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

WISHING ALL MY LOVELY FRIENDS A MERRY XMAS AND A HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR WHERE ALL THE DISAPPOINTMENTS OF THE LAST YEAR IS LEFT BEHIND AND NEW SUCCESSES ARE APLENTY!!!

This is probably my last post for this year since I'm off to India on Wednesday and after that it will be a new year!! I look forward to reading everyones lovely posts and hope you will visit my page to read my rambling ons!

LOTS AND LOTS OF XMAS CHEER TO ALL!!!!!!!!!

Old year, New year, Decisions and Consequences

I apologise for my being silent for a while now.

I came back to Sri Lanka and have been enjoying being at home! So before I even begin to look back at my year, I have to try and make a decision - a big decision - that will determine which way my 2007 will go.

I miss London - I think anyone could have figured that one out by now. Aussie's is great but it's great for a holiday. Neither city - Melbourne nor Sydney - could match upto the vibrancy and cosmopolitan style of London. And once you're used to that - you're doomed. Its like moving from New York to say, Florida. Both great places but great in two different ways. And in the UK, its like moving from London to Nottingham. So, I'm torn. My brain literally feels like mush everytime I start to think about this.

The benefits of Aussie eventually are great but then I literally cringe at the thought of going to live there.

Anyway, so I need to make up my mind!!!

I'm off to India after xmas for a week! Looking forward to that!

This year has been one of mighty big travels!

WISH YOU ALL A VERY MERRY XMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

With who lies the blame?

WARNING: Bit of a serious post

I just finished watching the movie 'Shooting Dogs' with Hugh Dancy and John Hurt. The movie revolved around the 1994 Rwandan genocide. This movie repeated several main factors that were also shown in the movie 'Hotel Rwanda'. For example, the abandonment of the Rwandan people by the UN in the face of apparent danger. But I'm not here to criticise the decision's made in the past. But as one person, to try and draw a lesson from it so that it stops repeating itself over and over again.

The Rwandan genocide occured when the Hutus started massacring the Tutsis. Who are they? They are all Rwandans. Just different tribes. Over 800,000 men, women and children were massacred in broad daylight (and nighttime). So we say okay its Africa, it doesn't happen here. Doesn't it? We saw it in the 1940's - Nazi's slaughtering hundreds thousands of Jews, we saw it in the 50's, 70's and 80's in Sri Lanka. The problem with this is that the international community chooses too carefully which conflicts are brought to its attention and which conflicts are left to resolve themselves. In 1983, in Sri Lanka, thousands of Tamil people were murdered everywhere in the island by the majority Sinhalese. This was - as was the Rwandan - a planned genocide. Lists were made by the massacring parties of the houses and businesses of the minority people and attacked systematically. Houses were burned, people in their cars were set on fire, people were thrown onto tyres and burnt alive, hacked to death, raped, businesses looted.

Why?

There are thousands of reasons you and I and any historian can come up for these massacres, but at the root of them all are two things:

POWER and INSECURITY

People who want power feed on the insecurity of the lower classes to gain it. What are these people's insecurities? Someone will take my job, someone will get a promotion, someone will go abroad, someone will enter govt, someone will be able to feed their children, someone will get a nice house or a car - and that someone won't be me. Humans all need someone to blame. When in reality, they should be blaming corrupt politicians and inefficient governments that can't provide sufficient jobs and a sustainable economy. The politicians knowing that the masses are better diverted elsewhere with their anger and unrest than let the brunt of it fall onto themselves, point their fingers. The Nazi's say the Jews are taking the jobs, The Hutu leaders point the finger at the Tutsis and the Sinhalese politicians pointed it at the Tamil population.

Thus the masses - instead of thinking twice - take up their swords and go amarching.

This isn't a phenomenon of the past. The unrest is still alive. That is why there is no solution to the ethnic problem in Sri Lanka. Generation after generation gets fed the same ideas, thus react the same way to the accusation of corrupt politicians. There has to be a change!

So in this festive season, when all over the world people are celebrating the birth of Christ and the entrance of a brand new year, we must remember the people that have died over the years due to the ignorance of others. We must think of the people in various corners of the world, suffering due to the political greed of their leaders. And we must enable a change.

We must not just hope for peace in this world - but work together to achieve it.

Last leg of Aussie tour..

I am finally on my last week of the Aussie tour. It has been thoroughly enjoyable and most challenging! Sydney is BEAUTIFUL!!! When I landed, I was actually awe-struck (I never get awe struck btw not even by London since Im too busy trying to spot all the buildings I work/live/socialise in) - but this was just beautiful! It was like a postcard.. The harbour, the boats, the gorgeous houses with swim pools facing the harbour. STUNNING!

But then calamity struck me once I landed in several ways which I don't wanna go into but it got me thinking, Sydney is beautiful but if I choose it as the city to live in - I might end up in the same situation as I did in London. A gorgeous city but too expensive to fully enjoy and alone again. I got family here but its nothing like the one I got in Melbourne - these ppl are too conservative and old fashioned (with really good hearts tho) but the ones in Melb are closer to me as I grew up with them, they are closer to my age and know that sometimes a girl's gotta wake up at noon, gotta forget to clean her room and gotta GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!! After all I'm 23 and not 12 so I don't need people that aren't my parents, parenting me! And after been in London by myself - I am REALLY not used to ANYONE parenting me or trying to baby me. It just irritates me so I've been irritated most days this past few weeks.

Also, I wanna get a house and a car so it might just be too expensive in Sydney to do this. Although its so beautiful and I wish I could start calling it home - I don't want to start making the same mistake again. WHOOSH calamity strikes!

Otherwise, I'm finally leaving pretty Australia and heading back to Sri Lanka on Sunday. Am totally looking forward to going back home (something I haven't felt in two years probably because London was more my home than SL was). I'll be off to India on the last week of December so more flying to do!!!

Stay tuned for more inspiring posts!

An Ode to Pain

I have been suffering for a good 20 hours now with some serious abdominal pain. I feel like my intestines in my upper and lower right regions are being twisted and poked with needles. Trust me, its MOST painful and I have NOO idea why. I keep thinking its appendicitis but then it doesn't sit well with the rest of the appendicitis symptoms. Even when I sleep I either have to turn sideways and curl up into a foetal position and the last I tried, even that didnt take the pain away. So in utter agony, I tried to take the positive thinking and praying approach and lucky for me, the pain has now slowly subsided. Its still giving me some serious wave cramp pains but its not much compared to what I had before.

So I thought, we never appreciate how utterly PAINLESS our day to day existence (physically) is till something like this happens. I look at the left hadn side of my abdomen and its so peaceful, no pain. But the right hand side is just like a squirming snake. Now that the pain is slightly receding I thought I'd write a little something to celebrate the existence of opposites so we can appreciate them more.

Without bad luck, we will never appreciate good luck,
Without ill health, we will never appreciate wellness
Without poverty, we cannot appreciate wealth
Without hate, we cannot appreciate love
Without sorrow, we cannot appreciate joy
Without death, we cannot appreciate life

If my blessings hold on and the pain recedes into nothing... I promise from here on to take better care of my body and appreciate every day I have with great health

I wish you all the same!

An old fashioned RANT

This is going to be a post just to get rid of all the things that are annoying me today OUT of my system to stop it further corroding my brain processes!

So, first thing that annoyed me potentially was this:

Im currently staying at my cousin's in Melbourne and apart from my cousin and me, there lives her husband, her 2 yr old baby and her husband's 20 yr old cousin. NOTE: IM 22 going on 23 veeery soon. Anyhow.. this dude has been acting too big for his boots during my stay but I try to be polite - he is perpetually saying things that kind of creeps me out (for eg. when do you plan to get married? like hello! ARGH so infuriating - even if I get married tomorrow, I sure as hell aint marrying him!!!) So, after a week or so of just trying to ignore his presence, I've been feeling bad so I've managed to put up the basic conversation of late and I was actually thinking maybe I totally misjudged his intentions (so to speak) - and then today I get a call from him when I was with my cousins asking me to not say a word to them and whether I'd like to go to a movie with him. I was like errrr.... no, thanks. And I definitely told my cuz about this! I mean it was CREEPY!!! Being the shallow being that I am, if he was decent looking, I would not have minded so much - but he's just so the opposite of what I'll ever find attractive and even more, his personality is an even bigger turn off!! So I've just been feeling really annoyed/irritated/awkward about it! So when he comes home, I try not to talk to him and keep out of his way - I mean, poor dude after all he did get shunned. but the ass comes and asks me if I'm mad at him and blah blah and I'm just like PLSSSS leave me be!! This is all because I'm leaving to Sydney tomorrow.

Second:

This is more saddening than annoying at all! My mate who I spoke of a few posts back (the one that broke up with the boyfriend because he wasn't appreciating her enough) well the boyfriend was an equally good friend of mine - More like a brother really and she started getting anal that he and I were friends after him and her breaking up, so I decided to stay away from them ALL for the past year. But I found out today that his mum had died TWO months ago and I had no idea!!! She's been having lung + brain cancer for a few years now and the last I heard was that she was doing a bit better. I felt as if my whole being sank when I heard it today. He is as close to his mum as I am to mine and I can imagine how his entire being must have just fallen apart after that. I hope he's strong. My prayers are with his family. This just makes me FURIOUS at my mate. Who can't put PETTYNESS behind her even in times like this and just TELL me that a friend's mum had died especially since the reason I stayed away was because of HER in the first place!!! I'm going to email him and explain how I had no idea and hopefully since he knows me he will know I'm telling the truth. I just feel rubbish. Like I'm a completely rubbish friend.

Third:

I told you all how I've started a lifecoaching course. Well, as part of starting up the business I gotta get some clients to do trial sessions with me and perhaps sign up for long term coaching. I put up some adverts and this lady emailed me and I spent a good two days emailing her real long emails, going through her problems with her, structuring how our coaching would work and I geniunely wanted to help her! I was even going to waive the fees then she sends me this real rude email about how she is a life coach too and how she didn;'t tell me about it and how she can train me and the only way she'll pay me is if I coach her well enough to get her to her goals and if she thinks its satisfactory then, I'll get my pay. I'm so INFURIATED at the fact that she just LIED to me, wasted my time and efforts and I feel used! In the sense that, when I was answering questions so openly and honestly for her, she was using it to assess my worth as a coach!! This made me even want to stop coaching all together but then I thought, if I do that, I'll be letting her and other like minded lunatics like her win. SO, I'm going to keep trying to become a better coach. I will use this experience as just that, experience. So if any of you know anyone who would liked to be coached, pls send them my way!

All in all, I just feel like screaming out at the top of my lungs!!!! PEOPLE are so INFURIATING. They are so narrow minded, petty, rude or harsh OR have completely lost the plot like the one in my first problem.

I feel all the more better after writing all this. I can really see the therapeutic value of a blog now. I apologise if I scared any of you off!!

Musings.. I muse..

I had a most fun weekend here in Melbourne with my mate from school - stayed over at hers and she showed me around the city and the good places to shop and so on and so forth. She insisted she wants to live with me if I ever move to Melbourne to do my Masters - she currently lives with her boyfriend. He's 20, she's 23 and the arrangement is clearly not working out because she is having to mother him through life.

I went to a rather good school where the kids always enjoyed a plush lifestyle and never for once did I think that anyone else - except a few noted exceptions - actually had to struggle to survive after they left home. (Most don't - they plunder their parents money on weekend binges). So when I met my mate again after a year and a half I was heartbroken to find out her situation. She's dropped out of uni and is playing house with this dude. She works in a pancake shop from 5pm to 1am or 10 am to 5pm, 5 days a week. All money she earns goes to paying the rent + utilities and nothing is left for her to enjoy life or buy something for herself. He doesn't let her keep any friends because he's ultra possessive. Although he can go out in the night, she cannot. He treats her as if she's there to do his laundry and clean up after him and overall, it was purely awful to see someone in that state! She can't leave him because she's been with him for 6 years and has no idea of life without him and feels she doesn't have a good enough support network in Melbourne to actually make it on her own and more than that, everytime she says she wants to leave he threatens to ruin his studies or commit suicide!!

Talk about checkmate!

So, I am here rambling about this to figure out why do some men/boys behave like this? Is it difficult to conduct such a serious relationship with someone younger than you at this age? Why do women put up with it? I say now, I would never put up with it but then we all saw how low I fell thanks to my ex over the summer! It takes all the will one has to not run for one's life when one sees a potential partner approaching after hearing and seeing these stories.

How is it that in some relationships love grows from nothing? And in some, the love that was so strong dwindles into nothing? We are back at the same argument about taking for granted! When we grow to believe someone is always going to be there, we automatically manage to stop putting in that much effort and value into little things. Its human nature but it cannot be used as an excuse. If that is the case, then is it not important that we marry our best friends? Someone who we know is going to love us and take care of us and treat us well because they place such importance on our happiness?

In life, we can't live long enough to make all the mistakes. We got to learn from other's mistakes too. As I told my mate, when we look back on our lives we will see the many opportunities we had to make a choice - the different decision that would have changed the course of our life! - and we get this chance very often. So to make sure she makes the choices that she will be proud of when she looks back. And do whats best for her. Because at the end of the day, we are all we have.

TIME TO BREAK THE BLOCK

Olrite ppl.. Here I go, withstanding the complete writer's block that I have been complaining about I decided to just sit down and write whatever I can possibly think about. From the length of that sentence, you can see that I'm still trying to think and therefore trying to elongate the sentences.

I've been chilling out in Melbourne for the past few weeks. Life's very slow paced here and I've been having some serious homesickness. Thus the previous London entry. Its just that, ever since I was small I've loved historical cities - Paris, Rome, London - you can see these cities have survived harsh times and spurted out great people. The buildings with its ancient stones, large streets, cobbled pavements mixed with the latest metropolitan lifestyles adds a lot of spark to a city. This is lacking in Australia since its such a new country. Melbourne the city has a grid like structure and they are developing it continuously so it has loads of skyscrapers coming about. But I feel it just lacks that spark I so desire in a city. I always considered London, the tube, its roads and its buildings to be my friends and no matter how crappy life can get there - the city is just amazing.

On a better scale (so as not to put off any further visitors to Melbourne), it does have amazing beaches. The ppl have such an easy lifestyle - I think Americans might be more used to this than Brits - where everything has its own pace. Ppl are incredibly friendly - I had a nice chat with a lady at the busstop yesterday about a dress she saw in a magazine which she planned to buy - this will never happen in London. People mind their own business. But here, people acknowledge each other as people. Not as some block in the way of you getting to where you have to be. I have not felt lonely for a single minute here in Aussie land even if I was walking alone in the city. Although, sometimes it will be nice if people didn't stare too much. At first, I was a bit suspicious why they were being so friendly but now I just realise its their way.

I'm off to Sydney on the 17th which should be nice since its meant to be far more metropolitan and water based than Melbourne. So I shall let you all know how that goes.

Other than that, life is super duper! I seem to have broken my writer's block and I'm going to go eat more nice yummy food!

Till next time...

Adios!

PS. I just read one of my posts from March I think- the friend I spoke of that left me, actually did come back and although we never did get the romance part of it going he is now one of my bestest friends and Im so glad he's in my life. It just all works out for the best doesnt it?! :D

Fear

A little excerpt from 'Life of Pi'- that I thought really puts fear into perspective:

I must say a word about fear. It is life’s only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology.

But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.

Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you’ve defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene; it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.”

What you think is what you are - and as the world will be what you see it as.

Don't let fear win the battle.

A tribute to London

A small tribute to my beautiful London - the best city in the world and what dreams are made of.

Till I return, this is to suffice.

Pics are from personal collection plus a talented photographer at www.capturedsight.co.uk. Please visit his site for more amazing pictures of London.

From Melbourne, Australia, Earth

Australia has been a welcome respite from the existential crisis I was suffering in the previous months. It has helped old wounds heal and unnecessary memories to be forgotten. I have been given a new purpose and the ability to forget the ambiguity of the past few months.

Looking back on them, I no longer feel any strong emotion towards them or the people that made them happy (specifically one). I just wish to move on - start a life and excel at it. Being around a 2 year old does help significantly (especially if its not your own)! You get to see the simplicity of life and the excitement with which it should be recieved. I'm not saying we all start our days screaming with joy but just appreciate that this is a new day and we have the chance to start over. And we all have the world as our oyster.

I've been feeling the need for a metropolitan hub since leaving London. I was merely fooling myself thinking I could lead a suburban life and be happy with just a local cafe in a 4 mile radius and that only opening on normal opening hours. I need that access at all times kinda feeling in the place I live in. Sydney may be more catered to that sort of life and Melbourne is a lot like that as well. One day, I hope I can live in NY too. Its very close to London but I hear its a lot dirtier :D

I'm continuing with my life coaching course. I think it'll give me enough tools to try get to my goals as well as an opportunity to help others. I have to do a Masters starting from Feb in a finance related subject since I think thats the best possible job preference for me. I have this unexplainable attraction towards commodity pricing and real estate. Odd.

Well Im off to do some living..

Speak soon!!

Aussie Land and its adventures...

Perth was absolutely great! At first I took a while to get accustomed to the different way of life as opposed to London but once I started thinking that I'm on holiday there and I shouldn't compare the two cities - then I started having fun!

It's a lot like L.A., being very spaced out and big roads, palm trees! Ppl are constantly drinking in pubs in casual clothes leading me to question whether anyone actually works in this place. Clothes are cheap compared to London and they got some good shopping centres! The clubs are pretty good too - although I do miss the hustle and bustle of London. Im used to people rushing about and always having something to do whereas in Perth, people seem to be okay with not having anywhere specific to go in a hurry. I'm not sure whether I would be okay with living there but as a holiday it was awesome!

I led a bit of a student life in Perth since my cousin and her friends are still at uni - which was good! Now, Im in Melbourne and entertaining my little 2 year old nephew. He is adorable with the cutest smile! Melbourne's very different to Perth and has some amazing architecture! Its more of a metropolitan city and less fieldy. But again, the suburbs remind me of the States. I'm planning to apply to several different universities here and in Sydney for a Masters. I've decided to go back to doing Accounting as I can easily get Permanent Residency in Australia if I do that. After getting that and settling down, maybe I'll be able to do the life coaching course.

I'm off to Sydney in a few weeks. Just trying to occupy myself for a few weeks here. Should be interesting.

Will keep updating the blog!

Happy Weekend!!

Happy weekend to aaaaalll!!!!

Im off to Perth on Sunday and I begin my long awaited travels in Australia. I'm totally excited. So far, my mates there have planned a week of whalewatching, sunsets over the sea, stargazin (don't ask!), beach tanning, aqwa (their underwater world) and zoo trips. Not to mention, I'll have to acquaint myself with Australian High Street brands - I am going to miss Topshop etc badly!!!

Well here's to longawaited new beginnings!!!!

Wish everyone an equally eventful week ahead... I shall keep the blog updated on my travels.

The past or the future?

Two weeks into my strong breakup and stand towards what I'm worth, I'm happy to say that I have felt no remorse towards my actions. I have neither felt that I need him back nor that pain in the heart that I am so averse to. However, a new problem has arisen. The question of learning from one's mistakes and how much learning is too much learning?

With the ex, the relationship started so well and he portrayed the best of himself. I remember thinking so many times that I don't want anyone else for the rest of my life other than him. Such good times and special moments - such care it was incredible. And only when I think about those times do I feel sad. But then I think, hey it was the same guy (physically) who was there in July and August and September, it makes me sit up and take notice. Because it wasn't the same guy (emotionally/mentally) who was present then. The guy I met in the last three months was up on a pedestal -placed above me by himself. He was someone I had to yearn for to get some attention or some care. Someone I gave 110% towards because at some point he gave me that same promise but only actually delivered 50%.

So the question arises here. With the next guy who comes along, how much learning is too much learning? How much of what happened with the ex do I learn from? The need right now is to just pull away. I cannot comprehend how I will put myself in a place to trust another person again. How can I give 110% of myself again knowing that this person might not give even half of it back? How do I trust that this person is what he says he is? Do I just lock myself away from another, afraid of getting hurt again?

This once bitten twice shy scenario is present in all our lives. My mother spent most of her time and efforts on keeping my cousin and her little daughter happy a few years back. They then turned around and cut off contact with her just to get their mother's money (complicated don't ask!!) but now her sister has had a baby and is helping me a lot with my transition to Aussie land. Now, does my mother learn from her past and not give as much of herself to these ppl just in case they bite her hand as well? Or does she put the past in the past and take each person as a new leaf?

You can see this situation in big beaurocracies. A couple of Sri Lankan immigrants must have taken up illegal residency in Britain many years back but the ripple effect of this action affects us who are innocent now having to jump through many circus hoops to get visas to even visit the UK.

Does this trend of learning from our past make us slowdown as emotional human beings? Where do we draw the line between learning from our mistakes and carrying around emotional baggage?

As for me, I hope and pray that with time these feelings of betrayal will go away and I will be able to trust the next person who comes along. Not punish them for the ex's mistakes but be able to celebrate the fact that this person is different and therefore he will be acting in a different manner.

Back in Sunny Sri Lanka

Packed my bags, shipped my stuff and left rainy London on Tuesday!

Back in Sri Lanka and enjoying a re-holiday since my last stint here was ruined by troubles with the bf. Now, I'm free. No more waiting for texts, no more feeling crap.. its an unbelievable feeling of freedom. And a week on, there's no pain in the heart. Even if I dream of him and wake up - NOTHING. Just goes to show my mind/heart far capable than I thought.

I've been reading a book called 'The Zahir' by Paul Coelho. I love his books. They are very inspiring and spiritual. He speaks of many truth s that either we forgoe as we go through daily life or choose to ignore every day! For instance, love and how we expect it to mold into this form that we expect instead of accepting that love is a greater force that will not be molded and that we should accept as it is!

Anyways, everythings been giving me great strength.

I'm here for two weeks and then off to Aussie land! Going to Perth first and then Melbourne and Sydney. Can't wait to hit the beaches. They are having their Spring now so that means, I would evade Winter for a good year before I have to encounter the cold!

Hope everythings well... I'll keep updating the blog with my travels!

An Inconvenient Truth

This masterpiece of a documentary hits the arrow right on the target so precisely that you won't leave the cinema unchanged.

Al Gore is both an excellent communicator who effortlessly transfers his passion and commitment to this cause to us, the viewers. A man that can take up something as profitless as climate change and perform 1000+ slideshow presentations throughout the world with only a single goal in mind is rare to find. Especially one that has run for the President of the United States. With the current era of politicians harnessing war energy rather than green energy, it is refreshing to find one with a TRUE cause. A JUST cause. And a cause THAT NEEDS TO BE BROUGHT INTO OUR ATTENTION.

We need to see this documentary. We need to take action! We need to be jolted into action like Mr. Gore says at one point - because this change in climate has been approaching us steadily but now we feel its effects. Through our actions, we have raised global temperatures higher than they have been for 650,000 YEARS!! We are emitting an ALL TIME high of CO2. We are burning fossil fuels at a rate that has never been matched and its all going to keep increasing with China and other developing countries joining into the madness.

The United States still has not ratified the Kyoto Agreement 2000 to cut down carbon emissions. United States is the LAST nation to have fuel efficient cars. China has new coal reserves that as its cheap its gonna keep burning - come hell or high water!

WE NEED TO MAKE A CHANGE. Before the ice caps melt for good thus submerging the world in such a way that the atlas has to be redrawn! I can only state these small facts when there are so much more issues at hand! We have to make a change in what we are doing or come another twenty years and we won't have a world like we have now.

We owe it to ourselves. We owe it to our children. We owe it to our planet!

PLS go see An Inconvenient Truth!

Sign the petitions to lobby the govts to taking action!

Change how we live!

LETS MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!

Third day of Strength

It has been two days since my 'standingupformyself' and I'm surprised to say that that feeling of heart wrenching pain in the chest everytime you think of the beloved is absent. *Touch Wood*. It usually gets me in my sleep, when I wake up momentarily and if I think of him and then the pain comes and sleep is difficult. But last night, I dreamt of him, woke up felt sad but that pain - the pain wasnt there!!! Maybe my heart is more wise than my brain. But I feel it and I know it, my heart is complete. Its more complete now than it was when I was with him.

There's no more vying for his attention. Sitting there hoping he would be nice or do something to make me feel special. By realising that I deserve better treatment than he has the capacity to give me, I made myself feel special. And I can feel that my heart appreciates it.

To follow on with this new found independance, I did the incredible! I went to the cinema, bought a single ticket and watched a movie by myself!! Maybe some of you already do it but for me that has been the ultimate challenge (in moviedom). To be enough comfortable by myself not to worry what people will think if I go cinema by myself. And it felt GREAT! I enjoyed the movie the same way I would have had if I had someone sitting next to me, I didn't think of the times he and I went to see movies together - I just enjoyed myself. I really gotta recommend it to you!

I have decided to move to Australia. The ultimate battle that rages in my head has finally been won. I know I'll be happier there with family, the sun, the sea and I can start my life! Its good!

So friends, I'm off to enjoy my last Friday as a Londoner! Yay

And remember 'Freedom comes from within'

Strong enough

'I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

There's no more to say
So save your breath and walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go'

MY theme tune!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear friends, fellow bloggers, ladies and gentlemen

I HAVE FINALLY STOOD UP FOR MY WORTH!!!

I told the guy to leave. From my mind, from my head and from my life!!

Because he kept making me feel a third rate version of myself. And now I feel I've found myself again! The me that had self confidence and self esteem and actually valued myself!

No guy/girl is worth losing yourself over.

Im happy!! Life is going to get BETTER!!

Trust the Universe

And who can say otherwise when there are such breath taking sites in the world? If I was the adventurous type I'd just bungee jump off this but considering I'm not.. I'll just sit back and enjoy the view. Has the internet era taken us away from nature and reality as such?

The internet is a marvellous tool - consider its uses that we as lay people have: We can increase our knowledge (wikipedia), we can chat to friends for hours whereas if we had phoned them the conversation wouldn't have lasted that long nor been as multifaceted in topic (msn), we can search for flatshares (gumtree), we can meet new people (hi5, friendster) and we can post on forums and become this internet clique of friends (barficulture and etc).

If the internet never came about, I would never be writing this. I wouldn't have met SO many people that have made a difference to my life - either in a small or a big way, I wouldn't have a means of searching for a flat so easily, I wouldn't be able to check train times or the weather with such ease. The internet, to us, has become a tool of life. As necessary for communication as it is for knowledge. It helps us express ourselves in ways we otherwise could not have.

But how much are we relying on a piece of technology? And is that much, too much?

When the internet becomes more of a screen to hide behind and not face the real world, then I reckon we have problems. One of my friends, he's an intelligent, funny guy and he has been attempting to get a date (not with any low scheme in mind but simply for conversation and company - bc he gets a bit lonely) for a while now. Most of this has been through this forum that he posts on regularly and where they all know each other. But the impression we give of ourselves online - where we are less inhibited - and the impression we may give when we meet are two different ones. So he finds that when he meets the girl in person, she is either a moody cow or is not interested in talking to him as much as she would have been online. Either way, this hiding behind a screen situation would not have existed 40 years ago.

Our parents would have socialised with people that their circumstances brought them in contact with - therefore had mutual topics of interest, mutual friends etc. Now we have several billion people who would otherwise not have met, meeting! Its a great thing to make the world smaller, but at the same time are we bending the rules of engagement? Were we simply meant to stick to the people we know and thus not risk ourselves to the threat that might accompany meeting new people out of our cliched existence?

Before you think I'm biased or having a very antisocial outlook, I'd like to point out that some of my best friends Ive met through the internet, some of the people I pour my heart out to on postings such as this I ve met through the internet, my boyfriend I met over the internet - but when trouble comes my way it makes me wonder, has the internet changed the concept of fate or destiny? Or is it merely assisting it? Were we meant to meet or is this a bending of the rules as such because of the advent of the internet?

:D either way I love writing here! So I hope you ignore the rules and keep readin ;)

R.I.P Steve Irwin

Steve Irwin - Croc Hunter - died today when a sting ray stabbed him in the heart.

This is just a little something to say R.I.P to a man who was brave and provided us with countless hours of entertainment at his own risk.

He must have lived a worthwhile life when that is all the news in everyones mouth today - be it in Australia, or London or blogland!

R.I.P STEVE IRWIN AND THANK YOU FOR THE CROCODILES!

Off on our merry way..

I find that over the past few weeks, where I couldn't blog so frequently - partially bc my mind was full of problems and partially because there were too many things I needed to write about, I just kept away. Forgive me if this particular entry will be a bit mish mashed but here are the the topics that have been entering my head and yearning for expression during the odd days of staring at the Thames, feeling lonely, travelling the tube and so on and so forth.

1) Why do we blog? For me, it is this new world where I can express the thoughts that would find no audience anywhere in my physical reality. Be it about relationships, a song or the current oil situation! It also provides anonymity where judgment is ignored and acceptance is key. We all share no relation to each other except we enjoy reading each others writing and feel a sense of empathy or sympathy to situations. It is a world where we are FREE to be who we want to be! Where our deepest fears can be exposed and our strongest desires expressed. So, if you really want someone to know you - would you give them your blog URL? Has anyone done that? It would be the best way, I feel, for my significant other to really know me but at the same time, how can I let someone into this world? Would it not completely reduce its purpose after that? Will I still be free to write everything I feel or would I be too busy censuring my thoughts?

2) Relationships: Half my problems in the past has been this deep rooted feeling that 'there is MORE out there than this', that there has to be. All the hype about relationships provided to us from a young age through Disney Fairytales then TV soaps and movies and books - takes a seat within us. We plan fairytale weddings and wait for Prince Charming. Then, we grow up and reality affords us a far harsher view. So a relationship really isnt about fireworks (I got accustomed to that idea around 10 years ago) but is it just about putting up with each other? Surely, there has to be more - the enjoyment of ones company, the ability to get to know each other, appreciating ones differences, being partners! Those things are not what 'Sleeping Beauty' taught us but surely they are as wonderful! What is more beautiful than a couple thats been married for 60 years??

Here's a toast hoping that we all find what we are looking for! in SEPTEMBER!!! :D

September ahoooy

Its September!!! The month of fresh starts, hope and new eras (As well as new tv seasons!!) I've always loved September. September - December has been in my head the brighter aura of the year. Whilst Jan- April is the darkest. I LOVE SEPTEMBER. Why?

Sept 97 - I changed schools and embarked on the best period of my life!! Met new friends, met new loves, obtained new goals!

Sept 99/00/01 - New school years, new goals, new people, new places!

Sept 02 - Beginning of university!!! A whooooooooole new country, new places, new adventures, new trials and tribulations, new pleasures

Sept 03/04 - Each year the hope that this would be better than the last. And even if it isnt the happiness that heck we dont know yet so lets just keep the hope alive!

Sept 05 - Embarking on full time employment! Hope for a new life for me and family!

Sept 06- ?

Lets find out together shall we!

tragedy

George Bernard Shaw once wrote ‘There are two great tragedies in life: One is to lose your heart’s desire and the other is to gain it.’

What is it to love? And to be loved? In a time where marriages crumble faster than landslides and divorce is becoming a normal occurrence, what is it to give your heart to someone? Is gaining your heart’s desire accompanied by losing it?

I have been a firm believer in the notion that the best part of a relationship is the first few weeks - where you contemplate and battle within your mind of your interest’s interest in you. Where you make that extra effort to say the right thing or look the right way. Where you make that effort to ensure the other person knows how interested you are in them and how alluring they are to you. And when you gain your heart’s desire, you treasure it. For a while.

I feel that maybe 70 or 80 years ago, people had it easier. A love was a once in a lifetime opportunity. You are born once, you live once, you love once and you die once. The advent of technology, increased awareness of freedom of choice, increased awareness of rights, and of course the increasing equality of genders have changed that world to what we live in now. Where we pass from relationship to relationship, failing to recognise the importance of them simply because we know that there is another coming along when this ends.

This is the reason why we cheat, we take for granted, we hurt and we complain. We have this huge array of choice. There are 6 billion people in this world, so what makes you so special? Well, I say I’m special because I’m me. And you are special because you are you. There’s not a single person out there that’s JUST like us. And doesn’t this give us the right to be treated as special. To be cared for and loved.

So why do I stay in a relationship where I’m told that ‘I don’t want to make the extra effort with you because we might not have a future’. I have a right to a relationship where I’m treated well. So why do I stay? Because maybe the only thing harder than being in a relationship like this is being alone. To deal with that hurt in your heart, to wake up each morning and KNOW its over, surely, it has to be better to wake up each morning and think ‘oh its another day where I’m ignored.’ Maybe my weakness lies in that I have been searching for a relationship - subconsciously at that - for so long that I’ve made so many mistakes and I don’t want to go back into that world. I don’t want to look anymore. And if I walk away, I know I walk away hoping that he will come after me - but deep inside me I know there will be no-one chasing after me begging me to stay. Its just a matter of getting strong enough to be able to deal with that.
So Mr. Shaw’s words ring truer in this day and age, where gaining your heart’s desire is followed by losing it. And yet we go through this pain. And we search again. Maybe it’s the instinct that there is something greater out there for us.

Lets believe that.

For it’ll give us all hope.

And what is hope but the love of life.

Relationships *shrug*

My mate and her boyfriend of 1 and a half odd years broke up last December. They were going to get married later on this year and they appeared to be the best couple to all those around them. They were so solid and they weren't a couple that you'd feel a third wheel if you hung out with them. In fact, most of us thought he was the best thing thats happened to her. Then she broke up with him. Noone could understand WHY. Sure they argued but who didn't these days? And she changed. Her behaviour went back to the way it used to be before they started going out. She started drinking loads and partying every night and hanging out with this group of females that she previously disliked. She basked in the attention she was getting from all the men - who unlike her ex didn't want marriage but merely some fun if they were lucky enough to get it. I couldn't understand it. What made this girl throw away the best thing she had and change back to what she had been trying to move away from for a good few years now. I was a bad friend, instead of supporting her - I judged her.

One day, once everything had settled, I asked her why they broke up and what brought on this change of behaviour. She replied 'He didn't appreciate me'. He didn't think to say how nice she looked when she got dressed up to go out with him. He put her down in front of all their friends. He didn't thank her for slaving away full days to make meals for HIS friends so that they would have a good time. Basically, he forgot the basics. He took her for granted. And somewhere along the line, she did something most women are scared to do - she stood up for herself and said she deserves better CONTRARY to what everyone else thought. She wasn't going to be in a relationship where she wasn't appreciated. That makes her a very brave girl. Even if she had to fall down after she made this decision and pick herself up again - it takes a great amount of self worth to say 'I deserve better'.

How many female friends do you know that remain in relationships even when they are treated worse with every passing day? Now for her, it was after one and a half years that these things built up and affected her relationship. So what do you do if you're little one month old relationship are showing the similar signs? I finally get what its like to not feel appreciated. For those little gestures you do to make someone feel good about themselves go without being acknowledged. What its like to be taken for granted. Its a bit harder for me since I'm in Sri Lanka and my boyfriend is in London - this is for a 5 week holiday but as each week passed I've noticed a deterioration in condition. At least in the previous weeks, if I texted whilst he was awake I'd be assured of an immediate response. Now? Not even that. If I text at 11am his time, I get a reply at 9pm his time. How do you stop the resentment build up? I don't want to make an issue of it and tell him whilst we are apart since I've noticed each fight we have seems to be a reason for him to call an end to it. And I don't want to give him that satisfaction.

So I'll tell the world instead:
If I could tell him everything, these are things I would ask from him:
- A simple thank you for coming online at 5am my time just so that I can catch him before he goes to sleep (This is me - who don't wake up before 12pm on any given day)
- A text back as soon as I text or at least during the next 2 hours.
- A simple 'I miss you' or 'I cant wait for you to get back' instead of a 'Im forgetting what you look like'
- I don't know what time he wakes up or goes to sleep, I don't know how his day is - these are little things

But why ask these from people? Shouldn't they know to give these things without being asked? How do you make someone not take you for granted without having to hand out ultimatums? Why do we take all the shit in the world from some people and take none from others?

Relationships... bah humbug!

Internet Savvy

So.. I've been spending my holiday trying to learn new things. Partially due to an imposing boredom due to the Sri Lankan government being more anal than most other governments having imposed a $750 levy per half hour imported program that is shown on local television! Now this my friends is a hilarious state of affairs as people are being deprived of their fundamental right of access to knowledge. So as most TV stations - other than the very resilient of them - can't afford to run their business with levies such as this, have given up on their regular half an hour programs such as 'Friends', 'Two and a Half Men' as well as the one hour programs (which are charged a levy of $1000 PER airing - so even re runs get charged) such as 'OC', 'ER' and now just air CNN or Singaporean news TWENTY FOUR SEVEN.

Now I'm all for learning about the world and its economy and its battles. However, to be forced to do so for pure lack of other entertainment is surely a violation of some sort of human right. Such is the sad state of affairs in some nations.

Anyways, I detract so due to this lack of entertainment, I've been trying to set up my online business and therefore its website. I tried messing around with the html in this blog and for around 10 minutes the entire blog disappeared! Was most disconcerting! But I'm learning. So what's my business? Take a look if you so wish: http://maldivestravel.bravehost.com

Since I love the Maldives so and I feel I know bucket loads about it, I thought I might as well capitalise on this information and help others who are not so Maldives savvy! But so far no business. Its a crap site Im trying to get some professional help now. If any of you out there are web designers pls feel free to help me!

Olrite Im gonna go off and read a book or something.

Take care y'all

The journey; the destination

I have not been blogging for more than a month now! Ironically, the day of my last post is also the day before I met someone very special. So I guess its safe to say I was rescued from the great big void I was feeling within me for so long.

Its funny to read back my last post and remember what I felt. Ironic too that I speak of having nothing to tie me down to London. So true. Then I can't help but think that the greatest void within me was probably that. The fact that I had nothing tying me down. Because when we are tied down it means we are wanted. By a career or a relationship or anything really. So it was probably this that made me search for something whilst making plans to leave.

You know how its Sod's Law how when you are looking for something you never find it? Well same goes for love or companionship. I have made many mistakes since September 2005 trying to look for that but then when I decided to leave I realised that I no longer needed to look for a relationship or that special someone to make me feel complete. AND voila, I found him. I'm not saying I found HIM as in the ONE. But I believe people enter our lives for a reason, season or lifetime. And maybe a month from now, I'll be alone again, but I know that because I met this person I found a reason to stay in London again. I also got my priorities back as well as my motivation!

I've got a little plan now for life. And more over, Im fulfilling one of my greatest dreams since I started working and realising that there is so much MORE TO LIFE: travelling! Im going travelling for two months to India and Australia to see the big big world out there. So that when I come back and settle back into the horrid corporate lifestyle and become a slave for money - I will know that I lived. At least for a few moments.

As for my dream of living in Sydney, I realise that in Sydney I'll have family and maybe I'll be able to do Medicine in a few years but I won't be able to earn and help my parents. And I realise that in London, maybe I dont have 100's of friends but I'd rather have the handful GREAT friends that I in London to 40/50 mediocre friends in Sydney.

Well all these are hopes. For what is hope but the love of life. So keep hoping people!

I'll leave you with this awesome quote I heard recently:

'Don't be afraid to make mistakes, stumble and fall. Cos most of the times the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wished for, Maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined.

Who knows where life will take you?

The road is long and in the end - the journey is the destination'

So enjoy the journey my friend! Because life has ways of surprising us when we least expect it!

Good night and good luck ;)

Oh what a night..

Song I'm listening to: Oh what a night!

What a lady what a night!! ...

Currently going on the radio.. must have been out when I was 10 or something. Some classics never fade. Isnt it nice how music is always with you? Friends can grow up, change and move on, countries can leave you or vice versa, but music is always with you. And with music you can cross the boundaries of time. Isn't that a special treat?

Well currently, I have decided to change my life completely. TURN IT ON ITS HEAD. and see what it can deliver. Basically, I ve decided to leave London, go home for 6 months and then move to Sydney to do my masters. Now I am not aware how brilliant this decision is - I guess only time can tell. Sometimes I feel sad, London's my friend, its my home away from home. Such a big city and I can tell you exactly how to get to a place you ask about. I know the bus routes, the tube map has been implanted in my head, the best clubs to goto, the bands that play here, where to get chinese if I want chinese or italian if I want italian food. The broadbands - exactly that - its broadband, its fast, I can download my episodes of my fave tv shows or download music the minute I feel like it. I can order my food or clothes or dvds online and I can sell anything i dont feel like owning anymore. I know where I can goto relax, stroll in the park, where the best starbucks is, its where I went to college, where I had dates, where I got broken hearted, where I met my bestest mates. So why am I leaving?

Well, London tries its hardest to keep me company, but most of the time Im alone. Friends are busy, no family makes me a dull person. Now I wake up late, goto gym and just hang out at home with my flatmates. Ppl have moved away from this city and it just isnt what it used to be. I guess thats part of growing up. So I must go and see what the world has to offer me. Im gonna drive myself insane living at home. Im sure of this. But I get my meals cooked for me, my laundry done without me even realising it, my parents will be there - those are little blessings that I want to enjoy. If I dont enjoy them now, when will I enjoy them again? And I feel this is the best time. Theres nothing to tie me down to London - so must use this time and leave.

And Sydney! A whole new city to explore. And it might not be anywhere near London - but it has the sea. That can counteract any other negativities.

Song Im listening to now: I keep forgetting - by an old band. Thats the name of the song

Good night and Good luck

Run

Have you ever had an experience where you felt connected with your soul? And better yet, was this experience through music?? I have not been much of an appreciator of the truly moving or inspiring nature of music till recently. Always listened to my R&B and the occasional other genre. But lately, I have been more and more.. attracted (wouldn't signify the intesity of the feeling) well ok attracted to music and its ability as a form of art to transport you beyond your boundaries.

I just had one of those moments. Its past 2am I was gonna goto bed but I thought let me listen to one of my all time fave songs, Run by Snow Patrol before I do. Put my headphones on cranked up the volume and closed my eyes and let the music just envelope me. And what I found - what I have been finding lately- is this amazing sense of peace and ability to get in touch with my core being. Now to most of you this might make no sense but its the only way I can express it. Its so POWERFUL and MOVING and it gets past all the daily nuances of life and it touches you. When I first listened to Run, it gave me this feeling of wanting to run in a massive field with my arms wide open and FEELING SO FREE. I went to see the band live last week and it was such an amzing experience - just hearing that song being played at volumes I cant really maange without being called up by the council for noise pollution, and seeing all these people singing it and REALLY BELIEVING. That sense of belief is just so intense at that moment of time that it carries you into this place where you never thought you could go. The emotions that run through you - you feel like crying through happiness or sadness or you feel fulfilled.

Im into alternative & indie rock and I find it helps me get away from the troubles or lack of of life. Maybe you ve felt the same way - you know how easy it is to walk a certain distance if u got ur ipod on and the same distance could seem so tiring if you havent. Thats a minor form of what Im talking about. How it can just envelop you and take you away from pain. physical or otherwise. And sometimes music can express your feelings much better than you EVER can. And for the first time, if someone asks me what Im truly passionate about - I have something to tell them. MUSIC. its the bands that get up there and perform and create songs that flow along from person to person and touches every soul that listens to it. Im passionate about that type of music.

Now im gonna listen to Run one last time, and goto bed.

See if you like it too!

Rambling on..

It has been a significant period since my last entry. The cause for this being life has taken over and I am left with no time for myself. Even when I do have time for myself I am so busy trying to enjoy it that often, I feel I don’t. Anyways, the past couple of weeks since my return from holiday has been quite eventful: I went for a Snow Patrol concert, started working again, have been posted out to some city far away from London so find myself commuting every morning – quite ironic I should think, had a massive argument with a flatmate, and tried (trying) to implement a fitness regime. Not that I’m large or anything but this occasional fat tub of a stomach is really beginning to irritate me. Oh yeah and I attempted to study to become a life coach. But the tutors were pretty lazy in marking the assignments and it was taking too long for me to get feedback so I unenrolled myself and hopefully am on the way to getting my refund. Oh and also, I tried to sell my old digicam on amazon and a dogdy Nigerian is claiming he bought it when amazon does not reflect any signs of a transaction. Very dodgy I must say! But I did buy myself a new digicam. I am now a proud owner of a sony dsc-t7… I’m not very tecchy but I must say this thing takes marvellous pictures!

Oh and the Sultan & The elephant was in London last weekend and I went to see it. Its this massive parade which goes around London for three days. They ve formed this MASSIVE mechanical elephant and the play takes place on it… and the elephant shoots out water! Very fun! But a tiring weekend. Snow Patrol is definitely an amazing band! They have a really big stage presence and when they played ‘Run’ I felt like I was in another realm of existence. I have discovered FINALLY what I’m passionate about! MUSIC! I love alternative & Indie type of music, like say Nada Surf or Embrace or Belle & Sebastian. But Snow Patrol is just up there with the legends. I’m gonna go watch a Goo Goo Dolls concert at the end of the month! Should be good. I love Iris and Slide. But I hear they got a new album out. Must check it out. So what music are you guys into?

Anyways this aint very philosophical since Im at work and Im trying to while away the time without actually doing anything substantial. I ve posted stuff for sale on ebay and am currently trying to manipulate the sale of my straightner! Proving more hasslesome than I feared. Anyways speak to you guys soon! Laters! xx

Calling against injustice

I wrote this a while back when I was in Sri Lanka, just got around to posting it:

Last night, I watched an Indian movie called ‘Rang De Basanti’ at the cinema with my dad. It was a story about five university students who get channelled to act in a documentary about the legendary independence heroes and eventually end up mirroring the same acts against the corruption that exists in Indian politics nowadays. This movie has caused much controversy in India since its release, with the Indian police requesting the movie to be banned from cinemas. Watching it last night, many feelings arose within me – one of the main being if I was Indian, I would be very proud of my nation right then.

Our independence right now is largely owed to the heroic acts of many Indians – including Mangal Pandey, Baghat Singh, Chandrashekar Azad and Gandhi to name but a few. It is not owed to the Sri Lankan elite such as SWRD Bandaranaike who were mere sycophants to the British rule. When India was in revolt, what were we doing? So how can two populations of people separated merely by a strait be that different? What do the Indians fight for that we can’t? India is a country steeped with cultures, values and traditions. The religions are held with the highest esteem with its followers – so if anyone treads past the religious boundaries they will revolt. Their history and culture are as treasured – if there is a danger to this, they will revolt. What do we have? Buddhist monks entering parliament and revolting against the peace process. So where can the lay Buddhist look for an example as to how to be a true Buddhist? Ours is a system where the rich are rich and the poor very poor; and the politicians exploiting this setup without feeling the need to rectify it. They, come election time, pick at the sore wounds of the poor by emphasising issues of nationalism and religious sovereignty simply to win their vote. When they enter parliament, do they remember the people who put them there? NO. I am speaking words that have echoed since independence so let me return to the topic at hand.

This film follows on from the legend of Mangal Pandey – which was solely based on the British rule – by first presenting the image of the horrific British rule and then drawing parallels with the current political situation in India. The only difference been the guns were ordered to be fired by a white man then and now its one of their own. It reiterates that someone needs to say this is wrong and take a wilful stand against it – or else it will continue. This is most important to us as Sri Lankans. With an imminent war that have been terrorising us for the past 22 years – isn’t it time someone says we wont let you kill our innocent children for your benefit? If the war is necessary for the security of our state, if no other compromise can be reached, then yes these soldiers won’t die in vain. BUT if they are going into battle just to fatten up some man in Colombo’s pockets, then NO that is not okay. We cannot sit by and watch this.

I presume this is what the film asks us to think. That it is not okay what is going on in this world right now and we can take a stand against it. Drawing parallels with the rise against the British rule of the previous century, why don’t Sri Lankans do anything? Are we too scared? Yes. No one wants to stand up against the bad guy. Even me for I sit and write these words and were I to take action, I will be too scared of death to do anything of substance. Perhaps as a nation we are too cowardly to rise up against injustice. Perhaps we are just used to looking to the Indians to provide our independence. Be it from the British or corruption.

Carry on Loneliness

One of the issues that I have been facing recently (or maybe for a longer time, I've no idea) is that of loneliness. Even when surrounded by people. And no, Im not psychotic. Since I live in a country away from home, I may feel it slightly stronger than some others. But then everyone fights their own battles so I can't assume anything.

Back home, I come from a big group of friends - we always had a system of three best friends each and then the masses of people that come along with such a network. I had my parents and my aunts and cousins always there for comfort or to just sit around with. Then, as life progressed and we all washed away to our respective shores, I found this system slowly dwindling. Life took over and we all changed our attitudes (or perhaps we just grew up) and also grew apart. So now, when I go back home for holidays instead of the 20+ of us who used to hang out, I'm hard pressed to find 3. This is not just me either; everyone feels the same. Maybe it is because we are reluctant to keep company with people we can't relate to too much (time constraints and what not) and thereby we deplete the pool of people to hang out with. Family is still around but as cousins have gone away leading thier own lives having their own children, I find the parents (including my own) all caught up in their own soiree of loneliness. My parent's friends are equally lonely and hope for answers in distant shores. These are the associated problems with braindrains.

So when I come back here, I have my responsibilities, my work, my dreams, my thoughts as so do all my other friends. We can meet and chat and have fun but at the end, we go home alone. Some of us are so innately affected by our work that personalities have begun to change. There's this innate sense of unsatisfaction with life that's eating away at some people.

It just compels you to ask, the old traditional model of a family is no longer the standard. Parents are elsewhere, children are elsewhere. At times, you're family becomes you're friends. And at times, you're family is just you. So what is the new model that we are forming for future generations?

The answer to loneliness is perhaps to accept that we are alone. Someone told me this last year. We can't change that - we are alone. We have friends and family but they are seperate beings. And we must accept this. And from this, we can derive satisfaction and no longer waste our energy in trying so hard not to be alone.

To conclude with, I think this line in the Tegan & Sara song 'Don't Confess' sums it up perfectly- 'I'm not alone; I'm just on my own'

Jetlag and the problems thereof...

It has been ages since my last post: this can be attributed to my impromptu holiday to the sunny isles of Sri Lanka and the Maldives! Since I originate from Sri Lanka, going back was a little dose of happiness in an otherwise confused existence. To return to the gloomy land of London makes me appreciate even more the beauty that exists in this world.

Maldives is a beautiful archipelago of around 1000 islands. The reefs are home to the world's largest array of marine life: I saw 10 black tip sharks and several sting rays not to mention the number of types of fish the corals contain! I guess if I was the diving type I'd find this even more enticing. To me, the fact that I can lounge in a sun bed 3 feet into the ocean and sleep with the water flowing around me is the reason for living.

Being in places like these, with people that love me and care for me, makes me realise that there is SO much more to life than some of us think. We are meant to enjoy our lives not slave away at it. So with all these thoughts in mind, and with my jet lag swiftly setting in, Im going to go and dream about the Maldives and other sunny areas of the world!

Sleepless mornings

Dont you find sleeping till afternoon one of those joys of life? But lately, its become increasingly difficult to sleep late because my neighbours are renovating their house and there is continuous drilling waking me up at 9am. And it feels like they are drilling into my head... its awful!! So me and my flatmate try to run away from home as much as possible. But this can prove to be quite expensive.

However I have recently discovered the joys of free museums. I used to go as a kid with my mum- my fave being natural history museum.. the big dinosaur at the front is so cool. It was very awe inspiring when I was 5 and since it was so much bigger than my 4 ft self at the time, I was quite star struck. Now, its awe inspiring because its a constant reminder that life existed before us. And if such a significant species could suffer extinction, what is it to say that we won't much sooner? At least Im sure they didnt contribute to their demise with nuclear reactors, release of CFCs, exploitation of natural resources etc etc. Somehow I dont think 3 billions years from now, we will be remembered very fondly. Or maybe we will. Who knows.

Anyways I digress. Museums are a great way to spend a free afternoon. Unless they are filled with screaming eastern european teenagers. In which case, you are as doomed as you are in a drilling house. Its informative, free and allows your mind to wander freely. Which is always great. I also find the tube a great place to think and observe fellow passengers. Its interesting how each of the lines have their distinct set of passengers and perhaps passenger etiquette. I think you find the most number of tourists on the district and circle lines. Its quite interesting. People tend to be a whole lot more curious on these lines as well - these two and Picadilly. My local line has been the Northern line for the past four years and I find that a change from that line to these lines is quite daunting. You find more people actually looking at you, judging you whereas in the northern line people are probably too scared to look at each other because who knows what type of trouble you'll attract.

Its after midnight and this is probably why I am talking a whole heap about a whole heap. So I will publish this and go off and do some study.

Enough is enough

My mother once told me that no matter how much you love someone, if they keep taking advantage of it, your love erodes with time.

As human beings, we have gained a capacity for tolerance. Each day, we find our tolerance or patience (whichever you may refer to it as) been tested by those we love, those we trust and even those that are complete strangers. I find that I have varying degrees of tolerance depending on who I deal with and what mood I'm in. Whats consistent though is that if I fancy someone I tolerate so much of their shortcomings. This is the time that my mothers quote from ages gone by finally comes to play. They eat away at my patience till finally I say 'enough.' and walk away.

Yesterday was one of those days. I have been tolerating one person's nuances, insecurities and acted as his ego booster for a while now. I was too scared to say enough because I didn't want him to get big headed that I actually cared about how he was acting. But then, he finally said something yesterday which made me realise, right Im worth so much more so WHY am I putting up with this fool? So now I have let him go. Enough finally was enough. I usually find that this moment of crossing that threshold of tolerance occurs at the most unexpected times. If I had sat there thinking yes I will tell him to go to hell today, it would never have happened. But because I was not expecting it, I was able to do it.

So why do people tear away others love for them? Why can't we be simple? What need is there to hurt, humiliate or use another merely for our pleasure? This behaviour is seen in the human species because we are the only animals with a higher order of thought - if we utilise this obvious gift to these ends, then are we really the 'higher' species?

Life at its greatest moments

Since my last post, I have been feeling lost. What does it feel to lose one's self? The concept would have been alien to me till recently. I have always had a goal - short term or long term- to work towards. A place where I imagined myself in three years time or ten years time. Then, all of this got stripped away from me. So looking forward, I could only see darkness. Pure blinding darkness. In this darkness, it is said we might find other lost souls momentarily wondering - till they too become lost to us. However, sometimes a beacon of light beckons - reminding you of your dreams and dispelling your fears.

For me, the beacon was this : 'Sometimes you have to step out of the person you've become, to look at the person you wanted to be. The person you can be. The person you are.'

So where did I want to be when I was 22?

A medic - at the brink of graduation. A year closer to the wedding with the guy I have loved since I was 13.

Needless to say, I am as further away from that picture as Alaska is to Nigeria.

I want to be that person again. This realisation has helped me to climb out of the pit that I was in for the past week. I have been unable to make large decisions however I believe you must always deal with the smaller things first; the bigger things will automatically follow.

The point of this post? To say, that yes all your dreams can abandon you. You can suffer through the worst of times. But with a little bit of guidance and friendship from friends who you thought has long disappeared- you can find who you were again. Its upto you to change that person into who you wanted to be.

Significant insignificance

Situations around me compel me to consider the significance of what I worry about. I read once that there are two forms of worry: constructive and needless. I fear I am a serial needless worrier. I have found that during the last few months, I have changed from this needless worry to apatheticism. The change is disturbingly comforting.

A friend left me yesterday. A friend that bordered on romance - so today I 'mourn' his loss - but do I feel sad for the friend that left me or the hope that was represented by the friend that left me? I fear it is both. This realisation has made me attempt to cope with my feelings by asking myself - is this going to matter in 100 years time? Is anyone, including myself, going to remember this moment? The answer is a shocking no. If we ask ourselves this simple question often enough we might rid ourselves of that intense self importance that surrounds us.

I am currently reading Bill Bryson's Short History of Everything. The first few chapters have captivated me in its explanation of how IMMENSE everything is. I sit here and I feel sad. But, zooming further and further out from this scene of me - there are people walking around the city I am in, millions of people walking around the country, billions of people bustling ALL over the world, then we reach a view of earth from space, the solar system, the milky way and our universe. So from this final view, you look for me - I am smaller than a proton.

So we have two choices in life: either to make a difference - explain to ourselves that life is short and in the grand scheme of things, even if we live to be 100 life will still be short - because after we pass away the world WILL go on, other species will evolve our very own will become extinct - and the other option is to carry on the way we are blinded by worry, self importance and the greatest thing of all : that insignificant significance.

An initial step..

I've been reading several blogs over the past few days including Jason Mraz's and I was induced to sign up for one myself. Simply because this allows both the anonymity and the satisfaction of being able to say what is really in our thoughts. And that in a world where your identity can be cumbersome, is a gift.

So, to begin with, I am still relatively young in body but old and tired in mind, i have recently left the educational safe haven and joined the world of the corporate types. This transition, in itself, has left me with many thoughts about my life and just the world in general.

I'm going to leave this at that for now simply because I am tired and wish to have a good rest.