Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The past or the future?

Two weeks into my strong breakup and stand towards what I'm worth, I'm happy to say that I have felt no remorse towards my actions. I have neither felt that I need him back nor that pain in the heart that I am so averse to. However, a new problem has arisen. The question of learning from one's mistakes and how much learning is too much learning?

With the ex, the relationship started so well and he portrayed the best of himself. I remember thinking so many times that I don't want anyone else for the rest of my life other than him. Such good times and special moments - such care it was incredible. And only when I think about those times do I feel sad. But then I think, hey it was the same guy (physically) who was there in July and August and September, it makes me sit up and take notice. Because it wasn't the same guy (emotionally/mentally) who was present then. The guy I met in the last three months was up on a pedestal -placed above me by himself. He was someone I had to yearn for to get some attention or some care. Someone I gave 110% towards because at some point he gave me that same promise but only actually delivered 50%.

So the question arises here. With the next guy who comes along, how much learning is too much learning? How much of what happened with the ex do I learn from? The need right now is to just pull away. I cannot comprehend how I will put myself in a place to trust another person again. How can I give 110% of myself again knowing that this person might not give even half of it back? How do I trust that this person is what he says he is? Do I just lock myself away from another, afraid of getting hurt again?

This once bitten twice shy scenario is present in all our lives. My mother spent most of her time and efforts on keeping my cousin and her little daughter happy a few years back. They then turned around and cut off contact with her just to get their mother's money (complicated don't ask!!) but now her sister has had a baby and is helping me a lot with my transition to Aussie land. Now, does my mother learn from her past and not give as much of herself to these ppl just in case they bite her hand as well? Or does she put the past in the past and take each person as a new leaf?

You can see this situation in big beaurocracies. A couple of Sri Lankan immigrants must have taken up illegal residency in Britain many years back but the ripple effect of this action affects us who are innocent now having to jump through many circus hoops to get visas to even visit the UK.

Does this trend of learning from our past make us slowdown as emotional human beings? Where do we draw the line between learning from our mistakes and carrying around emotional baggage?

As for me, I hope and pray that with time these feelings of betrayal will go away and I will be able to trust the next person who comes along. Not punish them for the ex's mistakes but be able to celebrate the fact that this person is different and therefore he will be acting in a different manner.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Back in Sunny Sri Lanka

Packed my bags, shipped my stuff and left rainy London on Tuesday!

Back in Sri Lanka and enjoying a re-holiday since my last stint here was ruined by troubles with the bf. Now, I'm free. No more waiting for texts, no more feeling crap.. its an unbelievable feeling of freedom. And a week on, there's no pain in the heart. Even if I dream of him and wake up - NOTHING. Just goes to show my mind/heart far capable than I thought.

I've been reading a book called 'The Zahir' by Paul Coelho. I love his books. They are very inspiring and spiritual. He speaks of many truth s that either we forgoe as we go through daily life or choose to ignore every day! For instance, love and how we expect it to mold into this form that we expect instead of accepting that love is a greater force that will not be molded and that we should accept as it is!

Anyways, everythings been giving me great strength.

I'm here for two weeks and then off to Aussie land! Going to Perth first and then Melbourne and Sydney. Can't wait to hit the beaches. They are having their Spring now so that means, I would evade Winter for a good year before I have to encounter the cold!

Hope everythings well... I'll keep updating the blog with my travels!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

An Inconvenient Truth

This masterpiece of a documentary hits the arrow right on the target so precisely that you won't leave the cinema unchanged.

Al Gore is both an excellent communicator who effortlessly transfers his passion and commitment to this cause to us, the viewers. A man that can take up something as profitless as climate change and perform 1000+ slideshow presentations throughout the world with only a single goal in mind is rare to find. Especially one that has run for the President of the United States. With the current era of politicians harnessing war energy rather than green energy, it is refreshing to find one with a TRUE cause. A JUST cause. And a cause THAT NEEDS TO BE BROUGHT INTO OUR ATTENTION.

We need to see this documentary. We need to take action! We need to be jolted into action like Mr. Gore says at one point - because this change in climate has been approaching us steadily but now we feel its effects. Through our actions, we have raised global temperatures higher than they have been for 650,000 YEARS!! We are emitting an ALL TIME high of CO2. We are burning fossil fuels at a rate that has never been matched and its all going to keep increasing with China and other developing countries joining into the madness.

The United States still has not ratified the Kyoto Agreement 2000 to cut down carbon emissions. United States is the LAST nation to have fuel efficient cars. China has new coal reserves that as its cheap its gonna keep burning - come hell or high water!

WE NEED TO MAKE A CHANGE. Before the ice caps melt for good thus submerging the world in such a way that the atlas has to be redrawn! I can only state these small facts when there are so much more issues at hand! We have to make a change in what we are doing or come another twenty years and we won't have a world like we have now.

We owe it to ourselves. We owe it to our children. We owe it to our planet!

PLS go see An Inconvenient Truth!

Sign the petitions to lobby the govts to taking action!

Change how we live!


Friday, September 15, 2006

Third day of Strength

It has been two days since my 'standingupformyself' and I'm surprised to say that that feeling of heart wrenching pain in the chest everytime you think of the beloved is absent. *Touch Wood*. It usually gets me in my sleep, when I wake up momentarily and if I think of him and then the pain comes and sleep is difficult. But last night, I dreamt of him, woke up felt sad but that pain - the pain wasnt there!!! Maybe my heart is more wise than my brain. But I feel it and I know it, my heart is complete. Its more complete now than it was when I was with him.

There's no more vying for his attention. Sitting there hoping he would be nice or do something to make me feel special. By realising that I deserve better treatment than he has the capacity to give me, I made myself feel special. And I can feel that my heart appreciates it.

To follow on with this new found independance, I did the incredible! I went to the cinema, bought a single ticket and watched a movie by myself!! Maybe some of you already do it but for me that has been the ultimate challenge (in moviedom). To be enough comfortable by myself not to worry what people will think if I go cinema by myself. And it felt GREAT! I enjoyed the movie the same way I would have had if I had someone sitting next to me, I didn't think of the times he and I went to see movies together - I just enjoyed myself. I really gotta recommend it to you!

I have decided to move to Australia. The ultimate battle that rages in my head has finally been won. I know I'll be happier there with family, the sun, the sea and I can start my life! Its good!

So friends, I'm off to enjoy my last Friday as a Londoner! Yay

And remember 'Freedom comes from within'

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Strong enough

'I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

There's no more to say
So save your breath and walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go'

MY theme tune!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear friends, fellow bloggers, ladies and gentlemen


I told the guy to leave. From my mind, from my head and from my life!!

Because he kept making me feel a third rate version of myself. And now I feel I've found myself again! The me that had self confidence and self esteem and actually valued myself!

No guy/girl is worth losing yourself over.

Im happy!! Life is going to get BETTER!!

Friday, September 08, 2006

Trust the Universe

And who can say otherwise when there are such breath taking sites in the world? If I was the adventurous type I'd just bungee jump off this but considering I'm not.. I'll just sit back and enjoy the view. Has the internet era taken us away from nature and reality as such?

The internet is a marvellous tool - consider its uses that we as lay people have: We can increase our knowledge (wikipedia), we can chat to friends for hours whereas if we had phoned them the conversation wouldn't have lasted that long nor been as multifaceted in topic (msn), we can search for flatshares (gumtree), we can meet new people (hi5, friendster) and we can post on forums and become this internet clique of friends (barficulture and etc).

If the internet never came about, I would never be writing this. I wouldn't have met SO many people that have made a difference to my life - either in a small or a big way, I wouldn't have a means of searching for a flat so easily, I wouldn't be able to check train times or the weather with such ease. The internet, to us, has become a tool of life. As necessary for communication as it is for knowledge. It helps us express ourselves in ways we otherwise could not have.

But how much are we relying on a piece of technology? And is that much, too much?

When the internet becomes more of a screen to hide behind and not face the real world, then I reckon we have problems. One of my friends, he's an intelligent, funny guy and he has been attempting to get a date (not with any low scheme in mind but simply for conversation and company - bc he gets a bit lonely) for a while now. Most of this has been through this forum that he posts on regularly and where they all know each other. But the impression we give of ourselves online - where we are less inhibited - and the impression we may give when we meet are two different ones. So he finds that when he meets the girl in person, she is either a moody cow or is not interested in talking to him as much as she would have been online. Either way, this hiding behind a screen situation would not have existed 40 years ago.

Our parents would have socialised with people that their circumstances brought them in contact with - therefore had mutual topics of interest, mutual friends etc. Now we have several billion people who would otherwise not have met, meeting! Its a great thing to make the world smaller, but at the same time are we bending the rules of engagement? Were we simply meant to stick to the people we know and thus not risk ourselves to the threat that might accompany meeting new people out of our cliched existence?

Before you think I'm biased or having a very antisocial outlook, I'd like to point out that some of my best friends Ive met through the internet, some of the people I pour my heart out to on postings such as this I ve met through the internet, my boyfriend I met over the internet - but when trouble comes my way it makes me wonder, has the internet changed the concept of fate or destiny? Or is it merely assisting it? Were we meant to meet or is this a bending of the rules as such because of the advent of the internet?

:D either way I love writing here! So I hope you ignore the rules and keep readin ;)

Monday, September 04, 2006

R.I.P Steve Irwin

Steve Irwin - Croc Hunter - died today when a sting ray stabbed him in the heart.

This is just a little something to say R.I.P to a man who was brave and provided us with countless hours of entertainment at his own risk.

He must have lived a worthwhile life when that is all the news in everyones mouth today - be it in Australia, or London or blogland!


Saturday, September 02, 2006

Off on our merry way..

I find that over the past few weeks, where I couldn't blog so frequently - partially bc my mind was full of problems and partially because there were too many things I needed to write about, I just kept away. Forgive me if this particular entry will be a bit mish mashed but here are the the topics that have been entering my head and yearning for expression during the odd days of staring at the Thames, feeling lonely, travelling the tube and so on and so forth.

1) Why do we blog? For me, it is this new world where I can express the thoughts that would find no audience anywhere in my physical reality. Be it about relationships, a song or the current oil situation! It also provides anonymity where judgment is ignored and acceptance is key. We all share no relation to each other except we enjoy reading each others writing and feel a sense of empathy or sympathy to situations. It is a world where we are FREE to be who we want to be! Where our deepest fears can be exposed and our strongest desires expressed. So, if you really want someone to know you - would you give them your blog URL? Has anyone done that? It would be the best way, I feel, for my significant other to really know me but at the same time, how can I let someone into this world? Would it not completely reduce its purpose after that? Will I still be free to write everything I feel or would I be too busy censuring my thoughts?

2) Relationships: Half my problems in the past has been this deep rooted feeling that 'there is MORE out there than this', that there has to be. All the hype about relationships provided to us from a young age through Disney Fairytales then TV soaps and movies and books - takes a seat within us. We plan fairytale weddings and wait for Prince Charming. Then, we grow up and reality affords us a far harsher view. So a relationship really isnt about fireworks (I got accustomed to that idea around 10 years ago) but is it just about putting up with each other? Surely, there has to be more - the enjoyment of ones company, the ability to get to know each other, appreciating ones differences, being partners! Those things are not what 'Sleeping Beauty' taught us but surely they are as wonderful! What is more beautiful than a couple thats been married for 60 years??

Here's a toast hoping that we all find what we are looking for! in SEPTEMBER!!! :D

Friday, September 01, 2006

September ahoooy

Its September!!! The month of fresh starts, hope and new eras (As well as new tv seasons!!) I've always loved September. September - December has been in my head the brighter aura of the year. Whilst Jan- April is the darkest. I LOVE SEPTEMBER. Why?

Sept 97 - I changed schools and embarked on the best period of my life!! Met new friends, met new loves, obtained new goals!

Sept 99/00/01 - New school years, new goals, new people, new places!

Sept 02 - Beginning of university!!! A whooooooooole new country, new places, new adventures, new trials and tribulations, new pleasures

Sept 03/04 - Each year the hope that this would be better than the last. And even if it isnt the happiness that heck we dont know yet so lets just keep the hope alive!

Sept 05 - Embarking on full time employment! Hope for a new life for me and family!

Sept 06- ?

Lets find out together shall we!