Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The past or the future?

Two weeks into my strong breakup and stand towards what I'm worth, I'm happy to say that I have felt no remorse towards my actions. I have neither felt that I need him back nor that pain in the heart that I am so averse to. However, a new problem has arisen. The question of learning from one's mistakes and how much learning is too much learning?

With the ex, the relationship started so well and he portrayed the best of himself. I remember thinking so many times that I don't want anyone else for the rest of my life other than him. Such good times and special moments - such care it was incredible. And only when I think about those times do I feel sad. But then I think, hey it was the same guy (physically) who was there in July and August and September, it makes me sit up and take notice. Because it wasn't the same guy (emotionally/mentally) who was present then. The guy I met in the last three months was up on a pedestal -placed above me by himself. He was someone I had to yearn for to get some attention or some care. Someone I gave 110% towards because at some point he gave me that same promise but only actually delivered 50%.

So the question arises here. With the next guy who comes along, how much learning is too much learning? How much of what happened with the ex do I learn from? The need right now is to just pull away. I cannot comprehend how I will put myself in a place to trust another person again. How can I give 110% of myself again knowing that this person might not give even half of it back? How do I trust that this person is what he says he is? Do I just lock myself away from another, afraid of getting hurt again?

This once bitten twice shy scenario is present in all our lives. My mother spent most of her time and efforts on keeping my cousin and her little daughter happy a few years back. They then turned around and cut off contact with her just to get their mother's money (complicated don't ask!!) but now her sister has had a baby and is helping me a lot with my transition to Aussie land. Now, does my mother learn from her past and not give as much of herself to these ppl just in case they bite her hand as well? Or does she put the past in the past and take each person as a new leaf?

You can see this situation in big beaurocracies. A couple of Sri Lankan immigrants must have taken up illegal residency in Britain many years back but the ripple effect of this action affects us who are innocent now having to jump through many circus hoops to get visas to even visit the UK.

Does this trend of learning from our past make us slowdown as emotional human beings? Where do we draw the line between learning from our mistakes and carrying around emotional baggage?

As for me, I hope and pray that with time these feelings of betrayal will go away and I will be able to trust the next person who comes along. Not punish them for the ex's mistakes but be able to celebrate the fact that this person is different and therefore he will be acting in a different manner.

2 comments:

jetblossom said...

Haven't we all done some things we consider mistakes? And isn't the important thing not to repeat the same mistakes? So, if you're learning from all this, which it sounds like you are, you're changing the pattern of what you will tolerate.

You don't have to open your heart all the way for a while, if you don't want to. Healing, learning, processing, all of that, as you know, takes time.

Maybe you don't have to do anything right now--don't have to decide anything about the next guy, who you haven't even met...

Rane said...

Hi!

Yeah definitely, been back home has allowed me the time to realise that I need to let the past heal itself without just tryin to hide everything under the carpet so to speak!

Thanks so much for the nice comment