Thursday, March 30, 2006

Sleepless mornings

Dont you find sleeping till afternoon one of those joys of life? But lately, its become increasingly difficult to sleep late because my neighbours are renovating their house and there is continuous drilling waking me up at 9am. And it feels like they are drilling into my head... its awful!! So me and my flatmate try to run away from home as much as possible. But this can prove to be quite expensive.

However I have recently discovered the joys of free museums. I used to go as a kid with my mum- my fave being natural history museum.. the big dinosaur at the front is so cool. It was very awe inspiring when I was 5 and since it was so much bigger than my 4 ft self at the time, I was quite star struck. Now, its awe inspiring because its a constant reminder that life existed before us. And if such a significant species could suffer extinction, what is it to say that we won't much sooner? At least Im sure they didnt contribute to their demise with nuclear reactors, release of CFCs, exploitation of natural resources etc etc. Somehow I dont think 3 billions years from now, we will be remembered very fondly. Or maybe we will. Who knows.

Anyways I digress. Museums are a great way to spend a free afternoon. Unless they are filled with screaming eastern european teenagers. In which case, you are as doomed as you are in a drilling house. Its informative, free and allows your mind to wander freely. Which is always great. I also find the tube a great place to think and observe fellow passengers. Its interesting how each of the lines have their distinct set of passengers and perhaps passenger etiquette. I think you find the most number of tourists on the district and circle lines. Its quite interesting. People tend to be a whole lot more curious on these lines as well - these two and Picadilly. My local line has been the Northern line for the past four years and I find that a change from that line to these lines is quite daunting. You find more people actually looking at you, judging you whereas in the northern line people are probably too scared to look at each other because who knows what type of trouble you'll attract.

Its after midnight and this is probably why I am talking a whole heap about a whole heap. So I will publish this and go off and do some study.

Enough is enough

My mother once told me that no matter how much you love someone, if they keep taking advantage of it, your love erodes with time.

As human beings, we have gained a capacity for tolerance. Each day, we find our tolerance or patience (whichever you may refer to it as) been tested by those we love, those we trust and even those that are complete strangers. I find that I have varying degrees of tolerance depending on who I deal with and what mood I'm in. Whats consistent though is that if I fancy someone I tolerate so much of their shortcomings. This is the time that my mothers quote from ages gone by finally comes to play. They eat away at my patience till finally I say 'enough.' and walk away.

Yesterday was one of those days. I have been tolerating one person's nuances, insecurities and acted as his ego booster for a while now. I was too scared to say enough because I didn't want him to get big headed that I actually cared about how he was acting. But then, he finally said something yesterday which made me realise, right Im worth so much more so WHY am I putting up with this fool? So now I have let him go. Enough finally was enough. I usually find that this moment of crossing that threshold of tolerance occurs at the most unexpected times. If I had sat there thinking yes I will tell him to go to hell today, it would never have happened. But because I was not expecting it, I was able to do it.

So why do people tear away others love for them? Why can't we be simple? What need is there to hurt, humiliate or use another merely for our pleasure? This behaviour is seen in the human species because we are the only animals with a higher order of thought - if we utilise this obvious gift to these ends, then are we really the 'higher' species?

Monday, March 27, 2006

Life at its greatest moments

Since my last post, I have been feeling lost. What does it feel to lose one's self? The concept would have been alien to me till recently. I have always had a goal - short term or long term- to work towards. A place where I imagined myself in three years time or ten years time. Then, all of this got stripped away from me. So looking forward, I could only see darkness. Pure blinding darkness. In this darkness, it is said we might find other lost souls momentarily wondering - till they too become lost to us. However, sometimes a beacon of light beckons - reminding you of your dreams and dispelling your fears.

For me, the beacon was this : 'Sometimes you have to step out of the person you've become, to look at the person you wanted to be. The person you can be. The person you are.'

So where did I want to be when I was 22?

A medic - at the brink of graduation. A year closer to the wedding with the guy I have loved since I was 13.

Needless to say, I am as further away from that picture as Alaska is to Nigeria.

I want to be that person again. This realisation has helped me to climb out of the pit that I was in for the past week. I have been unable to make large decisions however I believe you must always deal with the smaller things first; the bigger things will automatically follow.

The point of this post? To say, that yes all your dreams can abandon you. You can suffer through the worst of times. But with a little bit of guidance and friendship from friends who you thought has long disappeared- you can find who you were again. Its upto you to change that person into who you wanted to be.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Significant insignificance

Situations around me compel me to consider the significance of what I worry about. I read once that there are two forms of worry: constructive and needless. I fear I am a serial needless worrier. I have found that during the last few months, I have changed from this needless worry to apatheticism. The change is disturbingly comforting.

A friend left me yesterday. A friend that bordered on romance - so today I 'mourn' his loss - but do I feel sad for the friend that left me or the hope that was represented by the friend that left me? I fear it is both. This realisation has made me attempt to cope with my feelings by asking myself - is this going to matter in 100 years time? Is anyone, including myself, going to remember this moment? The answer is a shocking no. If we ask ourselves this simple question often enough we might rid ourselves of that intense self importance that surrounds us.

I am currently reading Bill Bryson's Short History of Everything. The first few chapters have captivated me in its explanation of how IMMENSE everything is. I sit here and I feel sad. But, zooming further and further out from this scene of me - there are people walking around the city I am in, millions of people walking around the country, billions of people bustling ALL over the world, then we reach a view of earth from space, the solar system, the milky way and our universe. So from this final view, you look for me - I am smaller than a proton.

So we have two choices in life: either to make a difference - explain to ourselves that life is short and in the grand scheme of things, even if we live to be 100 life will still be short - because after we pass away the world WILL go on, other species will evolve our very own will become extinct - and the other option is to carry on the way we are blinded by worry, self importance and the greatest thing of all : that insignificant significance.